15 Oix 4385: An Unexpected Pleasure

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Song-of-Songs was engaged in mighty battle on my behalf against the forces of bureaucratic indifference, so my next visitor was not until 14 Oix.  Much to my surprise, on that afternoon I was treated to the sinuous-limbed figure of a Khtsoyis in an indigo hat of impeccable plummage, drifting to a halt in the air before my gaol cell.  A Rassimel shadowed her, though I scarce noted him at first.

 

I hastily ceased my tentacle-tip drumming against the gaol wall and straightened my gaol-provided grey cap.  I altered my complexion to better complement the cap. I ignored the catcalls from one of my cellmates and shifted to the door to block said cellmate's view. "Miss Pinsitter! What an unexpected pleasure.  What brings you to grace such unsuitable surroundings?"  I had not seen her since our last performance for her, a couple of weeks prior.

 

Pinsitter bestowed a lovely smile upon me. "Well," said she, "I've been hoping to run into you, and when I learned you were here ... I thought to myself, 'At last!  Somewhere he won't be able to run away from me.'"

 

"My dear mademoiselle ... " While I paused for breath, I attempted to formulate a witty reply.  Sometimes limited lung capacity has its uses.  "... whoever gave you the idea I wished to flee from you? I shall have him flogged at once."

 

"Why ... I think it was you.  And the way you rush off as soon as any business is concluded," Pinsitter replied, amused.

 

"I did?  The cad!  Allow me to remonstrate myself."  I used two tentacles to flog myself about the head, just above my eyestalks. "Imbecile! Fool! Rude nitwit!  Has no one ever taught you how to treat a lady? 'No?' No? Don't feed me your ridiculous excuses!"

 

Pinsitter laughed breathily and slipped a tentacle between meng bars to catch mine on the downswing. "If I say I forgive you, will you forgive yourself?"

 

"At once! Anything to please you, mademoiselle." I dropped my tentacles. "In all seriousness, it has never been my intention to cut you short. I hope I will have some opportunity to make amends for my behavior.  It's most kind of you to pay a visit to me in my even-further-reduced-than-usual circumstances."

 

"Mmm."  She took in my surroundings: the small wooden cell crowded with three Orren prisoners, one Cani, and one other Khtsoyis. "I came to help you out with that," Pinsitter said. "'Aggravated Public Indencency' didn't seem your thing. I'd've hired you for a whole different sort of act if I'd known it was."

 

"I must confess that I am a complete novice in the field, I am afraid, and given the reception my only and entirely unintentional performance in the genre has received, I do not think I will be taking it up."

 

"Maybe you just need a better venue, hon." Pinsitter winked two eyestalks at me. Before I could think of a reply, she added, "But I didn't come to offer a job ... this time.  I brought my shyster. Figured you could use his advice."

 

The hitherto unobtrusive Rassimel beside her cleared his throat.  I turned my attention to him, curling three tentacles before the other four and sinking as I dipped my head in a bobbing bow.  The first thing I noted about the Rassimel was that he wore an elaborate dresscoat over a brocade vest and a shirt whose lace cuffs covered his black-furred fingers.  The coat had actual glass buttons.  The second thing I noticed was that he did not appear to be overheated, which bespoke either a delight in heat comparable to a Zi Ri's, or a spell to assure his personal comfort.  From the aura of magics that hung from him, I surmised the latter.  "I am Brandorn oa Esclegerio," the Rassimel said, fussily, with a slight nod of acknowledgement.  "At my client's request, I have already conducted an investigation of your circumstances. It appears you are being subjected to the classic Surprise Runaround. Courts close for Oix, but the guards demand fine payment and accompanying admission of guilt before month end -- and before the court date -- or they send you to auction.  It's their little way of exacting an additional pound of flesh for having to work in this wretched month."

 

I considered this. "That sounds bad."

 

"It is. Fortunately, there is, of course, a workaround. As with all things bureaucratic, it requires unnecessary steps and costs existing for the sole purpose of increasing the victim's misery. A bonded agent, such as myself, can attest to the Treasurer that the amount of your fine plus a twenty lozen court fee has been placed in escrow. Further, that you have sworn to appear on the court date or forfeit the amount of the fine and the court fee. Should you appear in court and be found innocent, the escrowed sums will be returned to you."  He produced a leather-bound folder and a quill as he spoke.

 

"Ah," I said, still trying to make sense of all this.

 

"If you will sign here, we'll have you free within the hour," Esclegerio summarized, not unkindly. He opened the folder and offered the parchment within for my signature.

 

"... I am not actually in possession of two hundred seventy lozens to place in escrow," I said, since it had certainly sounded like money was required for this to work.

 

"My client has covered that," the Rassimel answered.

 

I rather gaped at Pinsitter at that.  I am rarely rendered speechless, but I was in this moment. She blushed fetchingly.

 

Meanwhile, my Khtsoyis cellmate, Nickerskeepers, was scrambling over my head and lacing tentacles through the bars.  "Darlin', whatever he's got I can do you seven better, I promise," she drawled, waggling her tentacle tips suggestively.

 

I wrestled Nickerskeepers off of me, hurling her back with three tentacles while the Orren prisoners scrambled below us to the door. They pleaded with Pinsitter to free them as well.  "My fine's only fifteen lozens!"

 

I flared my mantle at the lot of them, turning an angry red-orange and focusing an eyestalk on each.  "Excuse me. This is a private conversation."

 

My last eyestalk was on Pinsitter; she had two tentacles before her speaking mouth and looked rather distressed. "Too much?" she said, embarrassed. "I shouldn't've offered?"

 

I turned the skin facing her back to an amiable color. "No, no, not at all," I hastened to reassure her.  "It's just ... "  I searched for words other than 'too much.' 'A great deal' seemed uncomfortably synonymous.  "... unexpected."  Especially from one I barely know.

 

Esclegerio looked annoyed.  "If you prefer to rot in here, by all means -- "

 

Pinsitter wrapped a tentacle around his muzzle to silence him, and fluttered two at me apologetically. "I know, I know, it's strange. And you're probably wondering what strings I'm attaching. Especially with the wordslinger here. I just ... wanted to help out. Because I've been ... well, never mind." She released the Rassimel's muzzle  Leave the papers for him, Jerry.  You can look them over at your leisure. Offer'll stand."

 

The solicitor turned the folder over to me as Pinsitter drifted away with a wave of tentacle-tips.  I took the folder in two tentacles and used two others to pull myself against the bars.   "Miss Pinsitter -- "

 

She paused in the corridor, three eyes focused on me.  "Yes?"

 

"... Thank you."

 

A smile curved her speaking mouth. "You're welcome."

 

I rested against the door until they were gone. Behind me, Nickerskeepers said, "You're an idiot."

 

Given the circumstances, the point was difficult to argue.

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